meaning in the moving design

Ambivalence.
I think that's my favourite word. Or at least based on my definition of it. Ambivalence, the way I intuit it, is not about uncertainty, it's about feeling strongly about two opposing concepts. I imagine a line, or a metal pipe. I imagine bending it in ways that purists and bureaucrats would frown on, until the two ends meet, tensely, but with intention; the poles perspiring in resistance. I like being there.
But that was a tangent. This post isn't about ambivalence. It's about action. It's about my ambivalence to action.

I kind of straddle the line between being really active and really... not. Most people who know me would probably say I'm pretty active, and in broad strokes it's certainly true- I'm constantly squirming to do something or go somewhere, I work multiple jobs*, I have a really short attention span, I get depressed when I'm bored...
But I surprise myself constantly because in all these little ways, I am consistently able to do nothing for long periods of time, and do it really well. In fact, I often find myself actively seeking this out, clearing my schedule and opening up a time and space to do nothing. Everyone thinks that travel is so adventurous, so "active," but one of my favourite things about it is getting on a bus for 8-10 hours and dedicating half a day to staring out the window. When I go to visit my grandparents in Etobicoke, I don't even bring an mp3 player for the 1.5 hr commute, I just sit and stare at things: people, passing trees... poles. I savour these quiet times between places, when there are no distractions and I'm forced to shut my mind off and just enjoy the ride.

All my hobbies operate on the same ambivalent principle. I've come to recognize them as experimental adventures in stillness; activities of non-activity. They are pastimes that teach me how to live in real time.

Take scuba diving, for instance. Diving is the only sport I know of where the less energy you exert, the better your perform. It is a sport that's about 10% physical ability and 90% mental fitness. It has two golden rules: Remain calm and Breathe. If you don't remain calm, you run out of air and have to surface. If you don't breathe, or try to hold your breath, your lungs will rupture and you die. So, as in life, remain calm, breathe, and you'll do just fine.
Diving also has the added bonus of making you feel like you are One with the Force, it's the best real life example of positive thinking I know of. When you want to descend, all you have to do is think it. Think down, and exhale deeply... and down you go, like magic. Think up and inhale, magically you rise...

I take to hiking and canoeing for the same reasons, it's moving meditation for the body that teaches me something, in this case, how to focus mentally. It's about planting feet and oars, one step at a time. It's about the mindlessness of repetition, an appreciation for muscles and ligaments, focusing on the minute, the trivial, the inconsequential. It's a mindlessness that is decidedly different from just relaxing with a book on the beach. It's that metal pipe of ambivalence again; pushing your body so hard that your mind goes comatose.

I've just spent the last 3 hours applying for jobs, and I have to say- minus the prettiness and the physical exertion... it's kind of the same. Mindless, trivial, inconsequential. You forget yourself. You go on Auto Pilot and just do it for the sake of doing something. And you know that all this time and effort could be for nothing, but you're ok with that. It's almost... meditative.
There's supposed to be a line there; there's supposed to be a mindlessness that's good and a mindlessness that's bad, and I'm supposed to know- to feel- the difference... but all my definitions are blurry; I don't seem to discern.

I think I'm too in love with the Process. I honestly get no satisfaction out of whether anything ever materializes**... maybe that's dangerous, but I guess I just never feel like the result adds to or takes away from what I've put into something. And I guess that's why I never get anything done... I'm just Sisyphusian by nature. (Note to Self: pick up a copy of Camus' Myth of Sisyphus... I think he's onto something)

But but... Then I recognize that I'm actually like this when I'm focusing on work too. You get into a zone.... mindful mindlessness. Doing something starts to feel like doing nothing. The ends of the metal pipe are kissing again.


* ... or none, as the case may be
**A few notes on The Process:
1. I am writing a lot these days, just not finishing anything... (this entry itself feels like a bunch of parts that don't quite make up a whole...)
2. I'm getting too enamoured with the Process of job-hunting, should try to, uh, set a goal or something

The first thing you'll hear about Pulau Derawan and the Sangalaki Archipelago in East Kalimantan (...if you hear anything at all) is that it's a pain in the ass to get to. The second thing you'll probably hear is that it is worth all the pain and more.

This place is magic. There are no cars on Derawan, no ATMs, no money changers, no internet cafes, no German schnitzel, no Muesli breakfasts, and no electricity during the day. Hardly any tourist infrastructure at all. Just a handful of losmens, some exceedingly smiley locals and a very out-of-place, fancy-shmance dive resort that is always empty. Oh, and a few hundred turtles, pristine coral and tropical fish to keep you company. Yes, it's as good as it sounds. These tiny little islands are... it's like... well they're just completely unspoiled havens of pure underwater WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I really can't explain it better than that. But to give you an idea of what I mean, here's a breakdown of my week.

Friday
Snorkeled with dozens of manta rays in the plankton-rich waters off the coast of Sangalaki. Came so close to these graceful majestic creatures that, on more than one occasion, I thought I would get clubbed in the head with their giant wings. Thankfully, they saw me at the last minute and swooned past me, all stealth bomber styles. If my mouth wasn't clutching a snorkel, my jaw would've been perma-dropped all day. They were beautiful beyond words.

Saturday
Did one of the craziest dives of my life at Barracuda Point near Kakaban. The dive entailed dropping down 30 meters into a very strong current, getting pushed mercilessly along the coral wall, and then, at the sound of the guide's signal, swimming furiously across the current to calmer waters (or risk getting pushed down to the 50m-60m mark by a raging down current!!) I'm not a very strong swimmer, so I was nervous as hell before entering the water- especially because the equipment was rather sketchy and I didn't have a depth gauge... but once in the water, it was pretty fun. My dive partner and I even struck a Superman pose as we flew along. The coral wall along the calmer bit is gorgeously intact with loads of fish abound.

During the dive break, we took our snorkeling gear into Kakaban Lake. The lake consists of warm brackish water (both sea water and fresh water), which makes for an interesting species soup. An ice age about 12,000 years ago transformed the waters into a landlocked marine lake, with a bed of sea water at the bottom. Millions of stingless jellyfish roam the lake, a specially-evolved species that was able to survive due to lack of natural predators. Millions. You couldn't swim a single metre without bumping into twenty of them. The mangrove forest that hugs the lake also added to the fairy tale feel of the island- the tree roots were covered in coral! Weird magic!

Sunday
Went down to the beach on Derawan and watched a few giant female sea turtles struggle up on shore under the bright waxing moon. Watched one choose a choice spot, dig a hole and lay a few dozen eggs. Then watched it toss the eggs like salad, using its back flippers to throw them around and bury them in the sand.

Monday
Stretched out in my hammock, stared at the sea, read, and napped with vigour.

Tuesday
Feasted on coconuts fresh from the tree, delivered to me by two happy, charming Indonesian brothers (erly and henri) who have the curious distinction of being able to speak both Bahasa Indonesia (obviously) and... French. Not a word of English. They were my ideal language skills practice partners. Communicated in Frahasa Indonesia for most of the afternoon. Took a sunset canoe ride along the coast of Derawan and was smiled and waved at enthusiastically by Derawan locals.

Wednesday
Went back to Kakaban and tried to capture the magic on camera...



Thursday
Snorkeled around Derawan and found crazy abundance of marine life- crocodile fish, scorpionfish, morays, lionfish, nemos... Spent more time in hammock. Practiced being lazy.

Derawan was just... ridiculous. If you love sea creatures and the simple life, I can't think of another place that could be more fulfilling. It does take a minimum of 2 days to get here, but the upside is, you won't want to leave anytime soon. If you're used to easy traveling, well, it's not easy... Almost no one speaks English, and unless you're willing to pay the big bucks, no one is going to organize anything for you. But considering the reward, this place is a bloody gift. It's amazing. Go. GO NOW.

The Nitty-Gritty Details
Getting There:
There are 2 ways to approach Derawan. The easier way is via Malaysian Borneo. From Tawau, take the ferry to Tarakan (145MYR). Then it's Tarakan to Tanjung Selor by ferry (80,000INR); Tanjung Selor to Berau (70,000INR) by kijang (share taxi); and Berau to Tanjung Batu by kijang (60,000INR). From Tanjung Batu, you'll need to charter a speedboat to Pulau Derawan. The boatmen typically want 200-250,000INR per boat, so it's a good deal if you can find folks to split it with.
From the south, it's a 16-18 hour bus ride from Balikpapan, the capital of East Kalimantan, to Berau.

Being There:
Rooms: 75,000-200,000 per room (I stayed at Losmen Danakan, which was wonderful)
Food: Typically 12,000-20,000 per meal. There is a great restaurant closer to the end of town (going towards the mosque) that has a gaudy pink exterior. The ladies here don't speak English but they serve fresh fish that you pick yourself and a host of super yummy vegetables, tofu and tempeh. Their Nasi Kuning (coconut saffron rice with fish steak and sauce) is sooo good. Danakan does meals too, but I like to spread my money around...
The Fun Stuff: To get to Sangalaki and Kakaban means finding a boat, ie. a local fisherman willing to take you out for the day. Again, there's power in numbers. Typically, boats run for 600,000 to Sangalaki and as much as 800,000 to Kakaban, but if you know who to ask, the prices can come down significantly. Don't be afraid to negotiate. There's a guy named Tiar (I call him Manta Orang) who owns a really slow boat, but he's a lovely lovely man and definitely knows how to spot the mantas. His house is a few left of Losman Danakan's, the one with the circular steps. He doesn't speak a word of English.

Diving and snorkeling equipment can be rented from the dive shop at Losman Danakan, but I personally think they suck. I didn't do a lot of dives out here because I was pretty unimpressed with them. The diving equipment is sketchy, their attitude was horrible and they're quite expensive. It's about 500,000 for 2 dives, not including boat rental, wetsuit, torches or anything else, so it adds up. They're very money-grabby, which is a personal quality I happen to hate. What's more, unless you're into crazy currents, there is almost nothing you can't see just by snorkeling (the mantas came right to the surface, and most of the fish are no more than 3-5m down). The snorkeling right off the jetty on Derawan is excellent.

Erly and Henri run a mini golf course on the far side of town (past the mosque). It's super fun and they are lovely boys to chat with if you speak French (or B. Indonesia). That side of town is also where the sun sets and the beach is quite nice. Watch out for falling coconuts.

More photos here. That is all.

My time in Sipadan (world renowned dive site) and Danum Valley (one of the last remaining swathes of primary rainforest in Sabah) was really defined by sights and sounds. In Sipadan, everything was bigger and more abundant than anywhere else I've dived- the turtles and fish were ginormous and the schools of fish were overwhelming. In Danum, hornbills, warblers, cicadas, gibbons and orangutans provided the lively soundtrack for our jungle walks. I'm having a hard time writing about it because those experiences feel really... tactile, like you really had to be there to get it: the sweat and the sounds and the leeches; the need for ninja stealth when looking for wildlife and the anticipation of spotting an animal; the giant, century-old trees towering above you; the quiet awe of being surrounded by a giant swirling school of barracuda; the jedi mind trick of scuba diving and being able to control your movement with your breath... Words just aren't cutting it, so maybe photos and recordings will do better (the recording ends with a gibbon duet :)

I took a trip to the Philippines last month and I did something I've always thought about doing but have never done before- I didn't bring a guidebook.

But since I was only going for a week, I decided to try it out. It seemed pretty straight forward- land in Cebu, take the ferry to Bohol, head to Panglao Island, reverse. Plus, there were a million resources online in the form of blogs. So, I'm doing this trip report, as a way of thanking all the random and anonymous blogs and forums that helped me with planning my trip*. As is often the case with me, though, things got... complicated.

So, for the sake of classification, I'll label the nitty gritty trip details as "This, That" and the long epic drama as "The Other". Do as you will, read as you want.

This, That
Everyone always wants to know about the weather, so I'll start with that. I went to Bohol at the beginning of September, the end of their monsoon season. Bohol is below the typhoon belt, so it's not actually affected very often. The first two days were overcast but it only rained at night. The rest of the week looked like this:

The coolest thing was the lightning shows across the water. Every now and again, there would be a flash of white or orange light in the distance, and the silhouette of the clouds could be seen. Im a total sucker for lightning shows, so that was pretty cool.

There seemed to be a shortage of metered taxis (unusual, I was told) at the Cebu airport so I haggled with a man to get a ride to Fuenta Osmena for 100 pesos. He was there to pick up some company's staff members and had extra seats, so he didn't care much. I hadn't booked a hotel or anything, but there were plenty in the area, so I just figured I'd find something. It was harder than I thought- Jasmine Pension House, booked; Verbena, booked. I finally got a room at the Capitol Tourist Inn for 650p. It was quite big, but kinda sucked. I had a few cockroaches, the staff was kind of rude and bad ghetto booty music blared from their rooftop bar until 3am. So... I wouldn't reccommend that to anyone unless they're into that sorta thing.

The next day, I grabbed a taxi to the ferry dock from Osmena. I don't remember the exact fare, but it was cheap, under 100p. I went with Supercat, who had a deal going on, 400p each way. On the ferry I met a young Norwegian couple on their honeymoon, and a lovely Filipina lady going to visit relatives. She had a hotel, so we hopped into her hotel van to get into town so I could change money. From town, me and the Norwegians took a motorella for 250p to stop in Dumaluan and then onto Alona beach. Dumaluan is probably a nicer beach, but too rich for my blood... rooms were in the 2000-3000p range.

On Alona I stayed at Playa Blanca Huts. They wanted 800 but because I was staying for the week, I talked them down to 650 pesos. The room is really basic, but I had my own bathroom and a cute little balcony. I prefer the huts to the sterile cement rooms, of which there are plenty on Alona.

I had one single objective for going to Alona- dive, dive, dive. I chose Philippine Fun Divers, mostly because their equipment is brand spanking new. Dive prices on the island are pretty standard (approx. US$20/dive) but the annoying thing is, if you are renting equipment, all the dive centre equipment charges are per dive, not per day.. which makes it closer to US$30.

Our dive guide at PFD was Toto, an obviously experienced hand who knew exactly where to find all sorts of little critters. our trip to Balicasag was especially awesome- a beautiful island to chill on and a lot of action going on underneath. Lots of nudibranches, an octopus, an eagleray, sea turtles, and quite a few different species of shrimp and crab. It was my first introduction to the macro world, and I found it fascinating.

The only complaint I have about PFD is probably a plus for most people. The staff insist on assembly all your gear for you, all you have to do is strap in and jump out. This is partly because the boat is too small to be muckin about, but also because PFD considers it a kind of service. For a relatively novice diver like me though, it important to do it myself, as I need all the practice I can get.
After diving for a few days, I decided to take a "dry day" and go out to see the tarisers, which are pretty much my favouritest animal in the whole widest world. I rented a scooter for the day at 350 pesos (I haggled, and if you try, you can probably get it for cheaper). The route from Panglao to Corella (where the tarsier sanctuary is) is very straightforward, and generally a beautiful chill ride along the countryside, aside from a bit of a dusty, hectic bit getting through Tagbilaran.


Back to Panglao. On the north end of the island in Dauin is the Bohol Bee Farm with a restaurant and a shop. The food is organic, freshly grown and reasonably-priced. And so so tasty! They serve their soup with freshly baked bread and homemade spread (pesto, mango, honey etc). The restaurant overlooks the shoreline so it's got a great view. It's a awesome place to chill, eat yummy fresh food, and occasionally look up to stare at the sea. Highly reccommend.

Final thoughts about Alona Beach. I'll echo the sentiments of the blogosphere: Only go to Alona is you are a diver. It's a resort island, very touristy (it was low season when I went so it wasn't crowded, but judging from the end to end restaurants, the massage ladies and the general vibe, I think I would've hated it in its high season) and not the greatest beach. There are bancas and dive boats shored up close to the beach, so you're basically swimming between boats. The food on the island is mostly crap, with the exception of the seafood. That said, there's awesome diving right off the coast and Balicasag is beautiful and well worth a visit. Even if you are a diver, I still wouldn't recommend going in high season, because judging from the number of dive shops, I bet the dive sites would be swarming with way too many divers.

The Other
Alright. That's it. And well... I know it's my blog n all, and I can blathe if I want to, but I'm feeling self-conscious about the potential length of this rambling. Maybe I'll feel like telling the story some day, but for now, here's a cryptic list of lessons learned and things discovered:

1. Good luck and bad luck are secretly in bed with each other, there is some divine play at work there, a very intentional balancing act. Good luck knows to appear when bad luck hits, just so you end up feeling kinda neutral about the whole thing. Maybe it's just a consequence of watching too many Jean-Paul Jeunet films, or being a coincidence detective long before I Heart Huckabees came out, but it's true what they say: Life is about timing, good and bad. And if the universe strikes the right chord [which I believe it usually does], the good always cancels out the bad. Nothing lost nothing gained. Wait- I take that back. Most of the time, I'd say that what is lost is temporary, or just evaporates into a good story. But what is gained stays with me... most of the time it stays. and it's pretty humbling.

2. So maybe this is why I'm not afraid to travel. Maybe it's this stubborn belief I have, that no matter how bad it gets, it won't kill me. The universe will provide. For all the bad, I'll get to see the good, specifically the good in people; their unfailing ability to help me when I need it most. It's worked so far... or maybe it hasn't and I'm just in denial about being the worst-lucked traveller in the world.

Meh.

*I have to thank this woman especially. I'm in absolute awe of her dedication. It's an amazing resource for anyone interested in diving in Asia.