I know there's a movie about this out there. I've never seen the Truman Show, or Switch or Click or whatever, but we all know the one...
My life's a show. There's a wee little tot sitting in the back room getting her jollies out of punching the buttons on an old school cable box, randomly manhandling levers and tuning dials, drool strings hanging from her mouth that will no doubt short circuit something soon... And my life snaps into epileptic episodic fits in the meantime. Every week- new job, new story, new potential, new headspace. I'm just playing the part... Except get this- it's me, I'M the kid. I'm the one punching buttons and drooling on the dials, just to say "well, what happens when I do this?". I'm doing this to myself and I don't know how to stop. Half of me is enveloped in curiosity about the "what if" potential of every action. The other half of me feels like a posessed Raggedy Anne doll. Gee, sometimes my tendency for adventure seems suspiciously masochistic...
At the same time, I really don't feel like any of the choices I've made in the last 2 months can be described as conscious. I'd probably say it was more like flailing, like in the absence of certainty, I just reached out and pressed a button. There's an expression in Chinese that's been in my head lately... sum zhi tou ming. Your heart knows, your stomach understands. In English, we would simply say trust your gut. Well... my gut is a lying, thieving hyper-hypo. It's a strange thing to feel like a helpless observer in your own life, to not have this gut feeling everyone talks about to rely on. It seems weird not be to able to look at a situation in my own life and be able to subjectively say "this is right for me". I guess I've been playing observer too long. Damn, I've lost my inner eye again...
My life's a show. There's a wee little tot sitting in the back room getting her jollies out of punching the buttons on an old school cable box, randomly manhandling levers and tuning dials, drool strings hanging from her mouth that will no doubt short circuit something soon... And my life snaps into epileptic episodic fits in the meantime. Every week- new job, new story, new potential, new headspace. I'm just playing the part... Except get this- it's me, I'M the kid. I'm the one punching buttons and drooling on the dials, just to say "well, what happens when I do this?". I'm doing this to myself and I don't know how to stop. Half of me is enveloped in curiosity about the "what if" potential of every action. The other half of me feels like a posessed Raggedy Anne doll. Gee, sometimes my tendency for adventure seems suspiciously masochistic...
At the same time, I really don't feel like any of the choices I've made in the last 2 months can be described as conscious. I'd probably say it was more like flailing, like in the absence of certainty, I just reached out and pressed a button. There's an expression in Chinese that's been in my head lately... sum zhi tou ming. Your heart knows, your stomach understands. In English, we would simply say trust your gut. Well... my gut is a lying, thieving hyper-hypo. It's a strange thing to feel like a helpless observer in your own life, to not have this gut feeling everyone talks about to rely on. It seems weird not be to able to look at a situation in my own life and be able to subjectively say "this is right for me". I guess I've been playing observer too long. Damn, I've lost my inner eye again...
