My job is a lot like endlessly making and solving crossword puzzles. Most weeks, I love it, because I get to do my own thing, or even if I have to do someone else's thing, I get to work something about zombies into whatever test sentence or multiple choice question I'm writing.
Usually the requirements are quite straight forward: make a sentence with this word at this vocabulary level, no more than 15 words. There is quite a bit of range though, from clear cut assignments to outright mindfucks. Akin to the difference between, say, a 10-day Buddhist retreat and ... being Mormon. For life. This was a Mormon kinda week. Check out my assignment:
My instructions (oral) were as follows: Write 30 synonyms and 20 antonyms using words from the list below, 15 for Type I test, 15 for Type II; 15 sentences must use words from the list below marked with *, and 15 must use words marked with **; make the sentences for Type II b/w 12-15 words and ALL the words in every sentence must be under Vocab Level 2 (which is maybe Grade 5 reading level) and contain context hints for the fill-in-the-blank answer.
Exhale.
To amuse myself, I decided to come up with a list of unuseable antonyms for the word list I was given, which included: pronunciation, cigarette, tobacco, cattle, forestry, coincidence, chamber, birthplace, automation, circuit, sought, allege
ANTONYMs for:
pronunciation (noun)- contours of silence, means of communicating incoherently, the art of gurgle
birthplace (noun)- deathsite, or place-where-you-were-not-born
cattle (noun)- cow, or cluster-of-animals-that-are-not-cows
cigarette (noun)- bounteously healthy herbal remedy not wrapped in paper
coincidence (noun)- I didn't expect to see you here, Barb! What an unamusing and expected event that that bears absolutely no relation to anything! (word count:22)
allege (verb)- The arrested suspect remarks convictionlessly that he was not in the house.
On these special days, when I'm ready to pull my hair out and cry in frustration, I turn to one trusty document in my folder, marked Job Hilarity. This is where I store all the priceless Chinglish I come across in my editing work. Some of them are actually grammatically incorrect, but others just hint at the total cultural disconnect between my Western brain and my adopted Asian home. The following are sample sentences that got the axe:
Don't poke fun at the poor little girl. She is miserable enough having lost her left arm.
The actress loses her mind with too much stimulation.
All the aliens working in
The prime minister of
Even though the people were all from the
Some scientists argue that paranormal phenomena do not necessarily indicate an upcoming earthquake.
And here's the stuff I wrote, or specifically, the stuff I got paid to write (cue fist pump):
I did my boss the service of showing up on time today.
Gina was taken captive by a group of Amish men, who forced her to give up her iPod.
Picture description: There is a very small man with an obsessed look on his face. There's a picture of a castle behind him, a giant bomb flying towards said castle, a pic of guy with a crown with a big X across his face and of the little man wearing the crown. In front of him are 2 or 3 sleepy looking losers who don't really look capable of attacking a castle. One of them is picking his nose. Another is holding a fork.
What may we infer about the group?
- They have many obstacles ahead of them.
- They will surely go on to win the championship.
- They are the children of the revolution.
- They will soon be living a life of fame.
